Behind the Deals: Assigned Parking Spaces

Only Groupon’s most important employees get guaranteed parking spaces. Here are those employees:

  • Leonard “Dollar” Moneymuns, Senior Vice Salesman
  • Maybe-braham Like-on, Abraham Lincoln Impersonator
  • Dog, Dog
  • Doug, Doug
  • Harry Plimpton, Manager
  • Michael Jordan, Basketball Dynamo (a man with the same name whom we hired for having the same name)
  • Hamm Lamb, Official Tester for Poison in Soda
  • Kehl-tor, He Born of Fire

Return of Groupon Kidz Club

Groupon is no stranger to what kids truly desire thanks to our proprietary research software—KiData™. Based on our exhaustive kidformation, we’re putting together an un-kid-voidable promotion—Groupon Kidz Club—for a second time! That’s right! All your favorite characters are back, including Roll, a boy who loves baked goods, and FopTop, who’s a kid only at heart.

In addition to all the laughter and enjoyment of each other’s company you’d expect from the members of the Groupon Kidz Club, this time around they’ve got big news—they’ve finally completed initiating a new member! Wow! Just imagine what he or she will be like! Does he/she like cold cereal or hot cereal? Does he/she like cereal at all? The possibilities are endless!

If your interest level has risen considerably, check out the Groupon Kidz Club to discover who that new member is. And while you’re there, catch up with the rest of the gang! They’re anxiously waiting for you.

Groupon Guide Memory Lane

A favorite from the archives—The Groupon Guide to: Christmas Presents

Sometimes the ultimate Christmas present is giving someone the ultimate Christmas laugh by playing the ultimate Christmas prank: the Gift of the Magi. Little did writer O. Henry know when he unleashed this classic ironic switcheroo that it would become the holiday practical joke for the ages. Here is the guide to achieving this classic Christmas gag:

  •  If your spouse sells her hair to buy you a watch fob, then sell your watch to get her a speaking engagement at the Beautiful Hair Awards. You’ve been Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells his car to buy you a diamond ring, then sell your fingers to buy an oak barrel full of gasoline. You’ve been Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells her grandmother’s antique brooch to buy you a PlayStation, then sell your TV to buy her a rare black-and-white photograph of her grandmother as a young girl clasping her brooch as she flees the Communists. Did somebody say Magi’d?
  •  If your spouse sells his soul to buy you a singing career, then sell the rights to your hit single to buy him the completeChicken Soup for the Soul. Paging Dr. Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells her 10,000 spoons to buy you a knife, sell your knife holder to buy her 10,000 copies of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Anfernee Hardaway goes up for a slam dunk, another two points on the board for the Orlando Magi’d

The Pet Mumbler

Luckily you don’t have to have opposable thumbs to purchase all the pet deals we’re featuring on Groupon this week. To help showcase the deals, we were lucky enough to get four-legged animal tips from a popular two-legged celebrity:

The Pet Mumbler™’s Tips for Training Your Pet

If pets were humans, they’d be the dumbest, rudest people on earth. Get your pet into a more presentable state of mind with these tips, straight from me—Jim Vault, The Pet Mumbler™.

  • If your parrot tries to escape from its cage, put it in a small, bare room and shine a little light bulb in its eyes. Ask where it was planning to go. When it undoubtedly says the name of a cool, tropical island, remind the bird that it’s from a pet shop and it can go back to one, too, if it doesn’t change its attitude.

  • If your dog talks over you with boring, uninformative barks, hold his face close to yours and remind him that you have a very useful and interesting degree in fertility counseling, which makes _you_ the most fascinating man in the room. Show him that you are not a man who can be easily silenced.
  • If your cat is clawing everything in your house to shreds, accept it. This is what happens to a man who chooses the company of animals over the companionship of humans. This is his fate.

If you liked those tips, don’t forget to watch my show Thursdays at 11 p.m. on The Earth World Channel!

Sleuth House

Recently, when looking around the Groupon attic for completely normal reasons, we stumbled upon our old edition of popular affluent whodunit (“affludunit”) board game, Sleuth House.

As we perused the game board’s crazy, spooky rooms like the bedroom or the hunting preserve, we realized it was the perfect way to showcase our favorite Groupon deals for the home.

The game is hours of horrifying fun for the whole family, but don’t take our word for it, take these from the back of the box:

From the morbid minds at Gristle/Blenderman games, Sleuth House is a gruesome mystery that’s murderous fun for the whole family, from the suspicious to the suspicious at heart. Thrill as you and your children eye the colorful suspects and wonder of what dark, horrific deeds they are capable. Laugh as you and your loved ones deduce the weapon used in the crime, be it an antique gun or the brutally inefficient golf cleats. It’s spooky fun for kids aged 6 and up as they explore the perversely decadent palace of a now-dead socialite. Because at Sleuth House, intrigue is always on the menu.

Behind the Deals: Employee Passwords

Like all publicly traded companies, Groupon requires its employees to write their email password on a whiteboard in the reception area. Here are some of the entries you’d see if you walked into Groupon:

  • password
  • passworb
  • 123passworb
  • emailpassword
  • passwordpassword
  • PASSwor
  • SHHHpassword

Behind the Deals: Take Your Child to Work Day

Groupon’s semiweekly Take Your Child to Work Day is a chance for kids to take a break from mind-hardening schoolwork and get a taste of what they’ll be doing when they take over their parents’ place on the Groupon assembly line. Here’s a guiding acrostic we give to the wee ones visiting Groupon headquarters for the first time:

Clean your hands. Groupon’s gears can’t get dirty.

Hide your flaws. Groupon wants only the best tots!

Ideas from kids? No thanks.

Listen to your elders: you’ll hear their bones making noises.

Direct your attention to the crated dog. He’s not for petting.

Redirect your attention to the hole the dog guards.

Exit the hole! Exit the hole!

Never think about what happened here.

Dad-Centric Deals

Groupon is celebrating Father’s Day with a collection of dad-centric deals to honor the man who gave birth to you and has offered you unparalleled advice. This Father’s Day, remember these common pieces of fatherly wisdom:

  • Fire safety is key. That is, always keep your fires safe and don’t let anyone put them out.”
  • Always be on time—except to your own funeral, when it’s more impressive to show up late but alive.”
  • Take out the garbage!”
  • Hate no one—except the garbage, which you should treat as your mortal enemy and take out when I tell you.”
  • Enjoy yourself. Pretend taking out the garbage is a game and see if you can finally remember to do it without me telling you.”
  • Rake the leaves! Just kidding, take out the garbage first.”
  • Seriously, take the garbage out.”

Behind the Deals: Free Beverages

Like all offices, including the offices of cooler college deans, Groupon offers free beverages to keep its hundreds of employees refreshed and bubbly. As a future Groupon employee, what complimentary thirst quenchers will you have to choose from?

  • Water (always a classic)
  • Ice-cold cans of Wow! Cola
  • Diet Wow! Cola
  • Diet Wow! Half-Caff Citrus
  • Herbal tea (boiled water and pepper packets)
  • Coffee mixed with … Swiss Miss?
  • Purple stuff
  • Homemade Vitamin Water

The next time you’re feeling parched, drop by Groupon HQ and take a sip … of Groupon!