Dear Jordan, Jonathan, Joey, Donnie, and Danny,
Hello. How are you? I am fine.
Perhaps you remember me from my many fan letters I wrote to you as a kid. There was one on Snoopy stationary in 1989, and 17 peach-scented Mayim Bialik Post-It Notes in 1995. I foolishly signed one with “L.Y.L.A.S.” I know that’s probably the reason you decided against a personal appearance at my 11th birthday party. Obviously I don’t “Love You Like A Sister.” I love you like a brother. Wait…Well, a brother I’m not related to and want to marry multiple versions of, you know?
What’s your favorite color? I like the color red.
Even though time has passed since my last letter to you, and I have grown into a beautiful, young-ish woman, I wanted to let you know that I am very excited you are pairing with Groupon at the Summer MixTape Music Festival in August. I was looking over some of the activities and it was almost too much for my heart to handle. I mean, a back stage dressing room is one thing, but a roller coaster ride with NKOTB and attending a softball game against the Backstreet Boys? And a year’s worth of Hershey’s Chocolate? I am as much of a pop purist as I am a chocolate fiend, well played.
Donnie, I know it will be your birthday weekend during the festival and you’re having a party featuring DJ Pauly D, so I’ll be sure to bring the scrapbook of your images I collected from Teen Bop with me.
I don’t want to play favorites, but Jordan is my favorite. So that weekend, if you need to pick me out of the crowd, I’ll be wearing a 10 inch button with your face on it. Since the epic deal features two Hershey’s Kiss Packages at The Spa at The Hotel Hershey, I’m sure my husband won’t mind if you take his place at the spa for an hour.
LYLANKOTB and your biggest fan,
P.S. – I still have NKOTB bedroom sheets, curtains, posters, and sleeping bag! which I can bring for you to sign.
**Thea’s not legally allowed to attend this concert, but you are. Groupon’s selling JUST ONE PAIR of VIP tickets, so be sure to get ‘em before they’re gone RIGHT HERE.