Groupon has been constantly moving into new offices because of all the smells that keep happening in them. Here’s what every Groupon employee is forced to do to before moving:
- Unplug your computer monitor.
- Dust off the computer monitor with the shirt you are wearing.
- Gently drop your computer monitor in the trash. You’ll get a new one at the new office.
- Place your keyboard and mouse into the box you brought from home, but only after coating them in the supplied keyboard/mouse sterilizing cream.
- Close your box and wait for the sterilizing cream to take effect.
- When the sides of the box puff out, the sterilizing cream is working, turning the coating of dead skin cells and body oil you’ve left on your computer equipment into a mostly harmless, odorless gas.
- Open your box back up—only after putting on the construction mask you brought from home—and check to make sure the sterilizing cream hasn’t completely eroded your equipment.
- If your keyboard and mouse are left relatively intact, close the box and walk away. Someone will probably take care of the rest.
Contrary to popular belief, Groupon employees aren’t just doing it for the love of the deals. There are some real sweet perks to this job, and here’s just a few of them:
- Employees don’t have to work if they feel sick or are stressed out about an interaction they had with a mean bus driver.
- Every employee gets free membership to a gourmet-cheese club regardless of their interest in cheese or ability to digest it.
- Employees can leave their desks literally any time they need to go to the bathroom as long as they have submitted an OBRF (Official Bathroom Request Form) to their manager at least three hours ahead of time.
Only Groupon’s most important employees get guaranteed parking spaces. Here are those employees:
- Leonard “Dollar” Moneymuns, Senior Vice Salesman
- Maybe-braham Like-on, Abraham Lincoln Impersonator
- Dog, Dog
- Doug, Doug
- Harry Plimpton, Manager
- Michael Jordan, Basketball Dynamo (a man with the same name whom we hired for having the same name)
- Hamm Lamb, Official Tester for Poison in Soda
- Kehl-tor, He Born of Fire
A favorite from the archives—The Groupon Guide to: Christmas Presents
Sometimes the ultimate Christmas present is giving someone the ultimate Christmas laugh by playing the ultimate Christmas prank: the Gift of the Magi. Little did writer O. Henry know when he unleashed this classic ironic switcheroo that it would become the holiday practical joke for the ages. Here is the guide to achieving this classic Christmas gag:
- If your spouse sells her hair to buy you a watch fob, then sell your watch to get her a speaking engagement at the Beautiful Hair Awards. You’ve been Magi’d
- If your spouse sells his car to buy you a diamond ring, then sell your fingers to buy an oak barrel full of gasoline. You’ve been Magi’d
- If your spouse sells her grandmother’s antique brooch to buy you a PlayStation, then sell your TV to buy her a rare black-and-white photograph of her grandmother as a young girl clasping her brooch as she flees the Communists. Did somebody say Magi’d?
- If your spouse sells his soul to buy you a singing career, then sell the rights to your hit single to buy him the completeChicken Soup for the Soul. Paging Dr. Magi’d
- If your spouse sells her 10,000 spoons to buy you a knife, sell your knife holder to buy her 10,000 copies of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Anfernee Hardaway goes up for a slam dunk, another two points on the board for the Orlando Magi’d
Like all publicly traded companies, Groupon requires its employees to write their email password on a whiteboard in the reception area. Here are some of the entries you’d see if you walked into Groupon:
Groupon’s semiweekly Take Your Child to Work Day is a chance for kids to take a break from mind-hardening schoolwork and get a taste of what they’ll be doing when they take over their parents’ place on the Groupon assembly line. Here’s a guiding acrostic we give to the wee ones visiting Groupon headquarters for the first time:
Clean your hands. Groupon’s gears can’t get dirty.
Hide your flaws. Groupon wants only the best tots!
Ideas from kids? No thanks.
Listen to your elders: you’ll hear their bones making noises.
Direct your attention to the crated dog. He’s not for petting.
Redirect your attention to the hole the dog guards.
Exit the hole! Exit the hole!
Never think about what happened here.
Like all offices, including the offices of cooler college deans, Groupon offers free beverages to keep its hundreds of employees refreshed and bubbly. As a future Groupon employee, what complimentary thirst quenchers will you have to choose from?
- Water (always a classic)
- Ice-cold cans of Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Half-Caff Citrus
- Herbal tea (boiled water and pepper packets)
- Coffee mixed with … Swiss Miss?
- Purple stuff
- Homemade Vitamin Water
The next time you’re feeling parched, drop by Groupon HQ and take a sip … of Groupon!
Groupon maintains a verdant 18-acre campus in a zeppelin high above the Chicago River. However, some of our employees are allowed to work from home occasionally, provided their home offices include the following work necessities:
- Landline phone
- Fax machine
- High-speed Internet modem
- Water cooler
- Full team of coworkers with their own desks and cubicles
- Manager onsite
- Unsustainable ennui
Like all companies, Groupon has its share of competitors. While we don’t tend to acknowledge them publicly, there are a few competing companies who have behaved so egregiously that it now falls upon us to publicly call them out for their misdoing:
- Coupon Pony: Stole our idea for offering unbelievable, hand-picked deals that transform the way you experience your city.
- Deal Junction: Copied our innovation of pairing local businesses with new customers via channels of featured deals with maximum exposure but limited availability.
- Greg Pernatto Chevrolet in Wilmette: Refused to throw in free rear-view-mirror air freshener shaped like a tribal sea turtle that made our new Cruze smell exactly like the beach, but didn’t last long enough to be worth an extra four dollars.
- Nopuorg: Self-explanatory. Learn more about this abomination at Nopuorg.com.
- The United States Government: Competes with our amazing deals by offering a completely boring National Park System that no one uses anyway, even though it’s practically free and the memories and soul-richening experiences that you and your family will take away are truly priceless.
One of the best parts about working for Groupon is that we take care of our employees, even when they forget to take care of themselves. To combat the health risks of a sedentary lifestyle, all our office employees are subject to a mandatory company fitness regimen:
- Yoga ball/chair crunches (3 sets/15 reps)
- Jogging in place (1 min.)
- Jogging in tight circle around someone on an important phone call (2 min.)
- Sarcastic eye rolls (3 sets/12 reps)
- 1:42 minutes of jaw stretching (keeping mouth open in disbelief while watching a 1:42-minute-long YouTube of a panda eating a whole birthday cake)
- Tilting back head to try to catch Peanut M&M in mouth (32 min. or until successful)
- Yogurt break (3 min.)
- Detoxifying sweat, totally involuntarily, resulting from terror of being yelled at for eating someone else’s yogurt (8 min.)
- Cooldown nap (2 hr.)
Follow this regimen at home to become a sexy corporation that the investing public can’t wait to trade … bodies with, that is.